When I was ten, my mother curbed my watching of Saturday afternoon WWF with the excuse that it was far too violent for a ten-year old girl. So ended my few month love affair with grown men with long, sweaty hair and tight pants. To say I was pissed off was an understatement. I enjoyed it and I enjoyed being the only girl in my year at Junior school who knew who Kane, Sable, Triple H and Stone Cold were. Still, it took a good four years and the move to High school to really understand what ‘Suck It’ meant…
So you can imagine my surprise and nostalgia-based happiness when I found out that my boyfriend loves wrestling. He thought I’d be put off by his collection of wrestling figures. Me? I’m the girl who has a custom Lady Gaga Barbie, various Jurassic Park dinosaurs and Tetsuo presiding over me in my bedroom. I loved it because it bought back memories. We watched Beyond The Mat and I thought it was ace. This eventually progressed to him playing me old matches to try to get me into it a little more. And boy did I get back into it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a learning curve and it only really started five weeks ago. It took me a while to get over the fact that it’s all scripted and that storylines really do exist! But now I find myself making predictions on characters and trying to guess what will happen in the Royal Rumble match this Sunday (even though I’m obviously getting it all completely wrong…). I even get really excited when I actually get a wrestlers name right. Spare a thought for my poor boyfriend who has to guess half the time who I’m trying to talk about; ‘the Jewish member of Run DMC’ (Brodus Clay), ‘Doomwatch’ (Legion of Doom), ‘Polly Polly Parrot’ (Kelly Kelly), ‘Hobgoblin’ (Hornswoggle), ‘Hammertime’ (Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine), ‘Handjob’ (Tugboat/Typhoon), ‘Inbreds’ (The Bushwhackers), ‘wow-and-not-in-a-good-way’ (Chyna)… I could go on but instead will leave you with the ten people bothering me most in the world of WWE…
#10) THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR
Also referred to by myself as ‘Bird Man’, The Ultimate Warrior is Lydia’s Ultimate Irritation. He’s like a twelve-year old foreign child on Ritalin trying to speak English. Except that instead of making coherent sentences, he talked a load of utter rubbish and contorted his face in such a way that he constantly looked like he was constipated. Every time I see him in the ring I breathe a sigh of disbelief, and from all the records I’ve read so far so did everyone else… ‘WARRIORS BLAH BLAH SPACESHIP STARS DEAD INDIAN SKELETONS BLAH BLAH CUCKOOOOOOO SPACE’. The Ultimate What-The-Fuck.
#9) THE MIZ
If only I could believe his catch phrase of ‘I’m awesome!’ because he comes across as nothing more than a Mama’s boy teenager with a huge chip on his shoulder. Watching him and R-Truth is like watching an excruciatingly long game of kiss chase where the people involved can’t decide who’s going to make the first move. He isn’t even attractive so I can’t give him any redeeming eye candy value. With all the pouts and grimaces he seems to make on a weekly basis, this one’s another advert for taking laxatives…
#8) MICK FOLEY
The person I fell in love with most after watching Beyond The Mat, my admiration for Mick Foley increases the more I watch some of the stunts he’s pulled over the years. Clearly some of his stuff got my Mum to ban me from watching WWE as a kid but if anyone can take a beating, it’s this guy. Not only that but his characters and promos are ace. Extra plus points go to the fact that he is a devoted family man and strong supporter of the charity RAINN (the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network), helping to highlight and bring more attention and support to the male cases and incidents that don’t and do get reported. A true legend.
#7) ZACK RYDER
‘WOO WOO WOO, You know it!’ and so do you Zack Ryder. You have the worst entrance music I have ever heard (yes, even worse than the lie that is Shawn Michaels’ ‘I know I’m sexy’ theme and the misheard lyrics of Hulk Hogan’s ‘I want to be a mannequin, Fight for the rights of plastic men’…). Plus, you come across as a total airhead which I’m guessing is part of your characterisation… So I’m pleading you to go serious bad guy on everyone! Get rid of this chicken shit image you’ve developed because of Kane and man up! PUNCH STUFF! THROW STUFF! BREAK STUFF! GET A DECENT HARDCORE ENTRANCE TRACK! By the way, you ain’t kidding anyone with that Eve Torres storyline…
Watching the WWE Divas is just outright embarrassing until Natalya hits the screen. She might be blonde but this girl ain’t no Barbie doll. She looks like she can fight and she genuinely can, making her one of the boys and separating her from the petty catfights of everyone else. What do you expect from someone who has wrestling in her blood (a third generation wrestler from the legendary Hart Family)? Did I mention she’s also incredibly hot? I haven’t had a girl crush this bad in ages. Yum…
This guy used to scare the crap out of me as a kid and still does as an adult. I couldn’t get any more excited about his current storyline with John Cena, Eve Torres and Zack Ryder because the damn thing is playing out like a slasher movie with a wrestling background! I can’t wait for the Royal Rumble this Sunday, I’m hoping that Kane whips Cena down to the size of a squirrel and goes after Ryder’s girlfriend Torres in Slasher killer/Final Girl fashion. DRAG THEM ALL TO HELL! Just make sure you wear your mask whilst you’re doing it, that whole unmasking thing isn’t a good look…
#4) MILLION DOLLAR MAN
Every time I see the Million Dollar Man (aka Ted DiBiase) in an old match, I imagine myself with late 80s/early 90s big hair, high-waisted underwear and dollar signs on my boobs singing ‘Money, Money, Money, Money, Moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!’. What that says about me I have no idea, but it proves to me that this wrestler was fabulous. One of the best characters I’ve seen so far, this guy could throw punches, sell promos and tell a story. Just watching the slow building feud between him and his hapless personal assistant Virgil (who I affectionately want to call Irwin all the time…) is priceless. On top of that, in subsequent viewings of interviews and documentaries, DiBiase himself comes across as a very interesting man, thoughtful, respectful and insightful. Solid gold both inside and outside the ring. If you’re reading this Ted DiBiase Jr, send this little London lass an invite to one of your parties! I’d love to be part of the DiBiase Posse! Did I mention he also had one of the best entrance tracks?
#3) CM PUNK
My (not so secret anymore) crush is proof that a haircut and dye job can do some people a massive favour. Man, Punk is hot (being a sucker for tattoo’s I’m sure it’s his ink that makes me fancy him). On a non-superficial level, the guy can move and has a pretty fucking awesome attitude to match, reeling off promos and insults that I can only dream I could do. Keeping my fingers crossed that this man can single handedly wipe all the shit off the Earth using John Laurinaitis and Dolph Ziggler as toilet paper.
#2) WADE BARRETT
Time to start thinking about supporting those from back home and Wade Barrett is one of my picks to go pretty far in this Sunday’s Royal Rumble (did you hear that Barrett, you better get your arse pretty damn far). I love his attitude. I love the Barrett Barrage. I love that his entrance music appeals to the angry and grumpy fourteen year old in me. I also love the conundrum that Barrett presents; is he or isn’t he attractive? I can’t make up my mind although this mug shot and the fact that he has a head shaped like a potato makes me lean towards the latter (for that matter, what is Drew McIntyre exactly? Hottie or nottie?). Goddamn you tattoos… WIN ME THE RUMBLE BARRETT!!
1) BRET HART
As soon as I set my eyes on Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart, I knew I’d found my favourite (and developed one almighty hell of a crush) and to say that I am going to be a Hart Family fan until the day I die is an understatement. The guy is just the best in the ring, whether it’s on his own or with his tag team partner Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart (Natalya’s Dad) in the Hart Foundation. Most probably because wrestling is in this guy’s blood, his genes and was probably written into his destiny. Maybe it’s a bit of a cliché to say that The Hitman is my favourite this early on but after watching match after match and documentary on him and his family, my mind and my heart are totally set. He was dedicated to what he did, did it as well as he could and had the utmost respect for everyone he worked with. Except the whole Montreal Screwjob episode – and yes I side with Hart on that one but I can see all sides of the argument before you ask. Like DiBiase, he comes across as being thoughtful, humble and insightful about his career and the wrestling world in general, something someone else who’d had the same popularity and success as himself could turn into arrogance and ego. Plus the guy is big family man, with a huge family to match. Hart simply is The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be. Give it to me any day but make sure it’s pink and black.