My education of all things wonderful about the WWE has continued since my last post, and I have to admit that I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that my love affair with grown men with long, sweaty hair and tights pants has been re-ignited. Whilst I am still referring to some people by their nicknames (I’m not apologising for the fact that they should have named Hornswoggle ‘Hobgoblin’. It is, without a doubt, a far better fit…), I am becoming as pleased as a five-year old girl at Christmas who got the Barbie she asked for when I recognise someone by their entrance music! It’s going to be a long time coming but I’m going to get there folks, watch me! So, like last time, here are my current Top 10 bothers in the fantastic realm of punchy-punchy-kick-face…
#10) THE GREAT KHALI
I love zombie films and one of my favourites is Spanish found-footage darling REC (2007). Which leads me to The Great Khali. The guy looks like the zombie at the end of the film, all gangly arms and weird walking. Khali, I’m sure you’re great, but I hear that REC 4 might be shooting soon and I think you should take an extended leave to, well, you know… play yourself somewhere else.
#9) BETH PHOENIX
Dude looks like a lady. No, really, she does. Whilst I admit that she’s one of only three female wrestlers I genuinely believe can pull some punches, boy does this lady get on my more womanly tits. If I hear her proclaim that the ring is her ring once more I think I’ll smack her one for acting like Dawson Leary (Dude, it wasn’t your fucking Creek…). I like Tag Team matches but whenever I see my girl crush Natalya teamed up with her I cry. Beth, there’s no I in team, so let Natalya have some fun yeah? It ain’t a request, I’m telling you. Just like I’m telling you to tone it down a little. Remember Chyna? We all do, and not for the right reasons love…
#8) GOLD DUST
If there’s anyone from my education in 90s wrestling that intrigues me the most, it’s this guy. In a world of testosterone and big, burly muscles, Dustin Rhodes decided to create this incarnation. A mix of androgyny, sexuality and costumes that Lady Gaga would probably go nuts over, Gold Dust is one of WWE’s most memorable wrestlers. The man could fight, bought a different edge to his matches and managed to bag some of the hottest chicks who were valets at the time. Definitely one I want to find out more about, anyone have any good match suggestions to watch?
#7) WADE BARRETT
Last months number two and this months number seven, Wade, honey, I’ve got some issues. First off, why the bloody hell have you changed your entrance music?! You had a perfectly good track filled with attitude and enough stomps to make a grumpy teenager happy and now you’ve got this new one which has about the same amount of attitude as an eighty year old on Tramadol. I know you hated your old track but change it. Please. Secondly, what the hell happened at the Royal Rumble?! So much for the Barrett Barrage. You broke this girls heart, man. And, whilst you made me really happy with a good performance in the Elimination Chamber, you’re now injured?! I wanted you for Wrestlemania, who the hell do I support now?! What you need to do is come home where us British girls can nurse you to recovery quicker. With some good, home-made chicken soup. What else did you think I meant? Dude, I’ve got a boyfriend.
#6) DREW MCINTYRE
Drew, Drew, Drew… What are we going to do with you? You piss me off beyond belief for two reasons. Firstly, and I promise I’m going to be calm about this, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CONSTANTLY LOSING EVERY GOD DAMN MATCH YOU’RE IN?! We are in the midst of a recession, you are lucky enough to have a fucking job so would you start working hard for once! Seriously!! I was dead impressed with your performance in the Battle Royal, down to the last four, and then you get thrown out?! Dude, I’ve got less fucking patience than Teddy Long. If you don’t start to pull your finger out, I’m giving up hope on my dreams of being a valet for you in a Tag Team with Wade. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Secondly, you present the biggest conundrum of them all? What are you, hot or not? And on that topic, what is Randy Orton exactly?
#5) CODY RHODES
Now, here’s one guy who doesn’t present me with a conundrum at all. I am slowly becoming a Cody Rhodes-Ho. Completely superficial, the guy is hot. But I have one problem. Why are there no Cody Rhodes t-shirts?! So much for repping like a mascot… On a serious note, this guy is slowly becoming one of my new favourites. He’s got the attitude, he’s got the moves, he comes from another family with wrestling in its blood (son of Dusty Rhodes and little brother of Gold Dust) and he has an awesome entrance track. Best thing about the past few weeks? He eliminated Big Show from the Elimination Chamber on his own. Keep flashing me that cheeky grin Cody and I’m going to keep flying your flag!
#4) MR PERFECT
Another 90s wrestler who stands out for me as I continue to watch earlier matches and pay-per-views, I’m only beginning to truly realise how perfect Mr Perfect actually was. An incredible athlete with a dropkick to die for, Mr Perfect is fast becoming one of my new favourites from the earlier WWE era. The guy was incredibly talented, extremely passionate and, by all accounts, a wonderful friend, father and husband. His matches with my uber-favourite Bret Hart are just amazing. This is another guy whose career I want to go back and trace so any recommendations for matches worth watching would be greatly appreciated!
#3) CM PUNK
CM Punk, I love you but not as much as I love my boyfriend. After taking a page from your book, the two of us are now taking up the lifestyle that is Straight Edge. Feels a little strange for me, last time I called myself straight edge I was a fourteen year old wannabe punk and it lasted three weeks. This time it’s lasting for life. Bring on the Pepsi Punk! Crushing and superficiality aside, this guy is my one hope for Wrestlemania. I’m really hoping that he retains the title against Jericho, because Jericho’s light up jacket is an insult to us to have to pay stupidly hiked up prices for our electricity in the UK… An awesome performance in the Elimination Chamber two weeks ago saw Punk last the entire duration of the match, ultimately winning and beating odds that are stacked on wrestlers who start matches first. Now, excuse me whilst I go and buy the t-shirt with his ice cream on the front that I have been lusting after for weeks. Feel free to insert an innuendo based joke in here, I certainly did in my mind…
#2) EVE TORRES
Bitch has been ‘sipping the skank juice’! I have to admit, I was getting really bored of the whole Zack Ryder/John Cena/Kane/Eve Torres storyline. I loved that it began to play out as a slasher film but when the storyline wasn’t going anywhere I was beginning to pray that Jason Vorhees would turn up and actually get rid of this girl who cannot act for shit and has no talent in crying crocodile tears. Then, I get thrown the curve ball of Eve and Cena having a passionate kiss?! In front of Ryder?! FUCK YES!! This is what I’ve been waiting for, she’s actually a cruel, heartless bitch and this week’s Raw took it one step further. Torres admitted to the (Boring) Bella Twins that she’d never liked Ryder, was only using him and now wanted to use Cena only for Cena to overhear the whole thing! I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed watching somebody get verbally ripped to shreds more than I have when Cena then proceeded to give Torres a piece of his mind which was nothing short of fantastic! Broski’s before Hoski’s trending worldwide on Twitter? Hell yeah! It’s always bro’s before ho’s when Torres is the skank in town! I can’t wait to see how she’s portrayed from this week’s Raw onwards, her version of a quivering, sniffling wreck was fantastic and her attempt to jump on Cena and kiss him was both pathetic and wholly embarrassing. Eve Torres – wipe your vagina out with bleach. Over and out.
#1) JOHN CENA
I’m not going to lie about this one because everyone know’s it. I hate John Cena. I have never wanted to deflate anyone’s abs with a knitting needle more than I have wanted to pop his. But this week, in my opinion, Cena grew some massive balls which has garnered him with handfuls of respect from me. First up, his verbal tirade against Eve Torres was full of witty one liners that I can only dream I could spit out at those I hate in the heat of the moment. My favourite? ‘For your information I’m disease free and I’d like to keep it that way’. Enough said. Secondly, big kudos to the guy that actually spoke his mind and gave fellow Wrestlemania headliner The Rock a tremendous verbal middle finger. When I was originally watching WWE as a youngster The Rock was all over it so his return at the start of April the kid inside me is really excited about. But after Cena’s outburst I’m genuinely rooting for him to win the biggest match of the year. The guy is passionate and loves what he does and how can you dislike someone who defends what he does with his heart? Rumour has it he got a standing ovation from everyone in the locker room when he went backstage after and rightly so. Wrestlemania deserves to be Cena’s. End of.