About Sex, But Not – ‘The Black Cauldron’ (1985)

4 Aug

ON THE SURFACE – A young boy, Taran, tries to stop the evil Horned King from finding and using the magical Black Cauldron.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – A teenage boy, Taran, tries to stop his evil peer the Horned King from finding the greatest porno video ever. As far as I’m concerned, Disney films are never really about what the company says they’re about, and The Black Cauldron is no different. The feature is essentially the story of two classmates trying to out-do each other and find the best porno video to become the most popular kid in their class (become King, rule the world). Taran is fed up of playing second fiddle to the Horned King (‘Henry, Henry, it’s always Henry’) and wants his time to shine (‘I’m not a little boy anymore, I should be doing heroic deeds’) amongst his friends. Cue going on an epic internet quest to find the greatest piece of pornographic videography that will secure his place as kid popular and reduce Horned King’s class status. Now, anyone could tell poor Taran that trolling the internet for porn wasn’t always going to be an easy task and that he’d come up against all manner of different acts; midget porn (the Fair Folk), tit wanks (the frog in the witches chest), bondage (Fflewddur Fflam tied up in the dungeons), bestiality (he won’t leave that damn pig alone…), necrophilia (the undead army)… And at the end of the day, the quest pays off. Taran finds the video (the Black Cauldron), becomes kid popular (defeats the Horned King) and manages to bag a girlfriend kinky enough to watch the videos with him (Princess Eilonwy). I wonder what she thought of Two Girls/One Cup

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