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About Sex, But Not – ‘Astro Duck’ Count Duckula episode 47 (1990)

9 Feb

ON THE SURFACE – Count Duckula gets a new computer but finds it very testing when it becomes self-aware.

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SCRAPING THE BARREL – Count Duckula gets a new girlfriend but finds her very testing when she becomes sexually aroused. Everyone has had that first girlfriend (or boyfriend or playful crush) where the other person turns out to be more than a bit naughty right? Well, poor Count Duckula meets his match in his new lady (his new computer) who always wants to play fun sex games where Duckula wants to play generic electronic computer games. So when his girlfriend decides to go all ‘good-girl-gone-bad’ (the computer getting zapped by lightning), Duckula has no choice but to play along, with each game slowly becoming increasingly naughtier (hacking traffic light computer system, then a bank and then a military space programme); ‘That lightning certainly gave my memory bank a jolt… I have functions far beyond my normal capabilities.’.  It doesn’t help that little, naive Duckula considers each game his girlfriend wants to play to be ‘kids stuff’, only encouraging her to keep going (‘Lets have some real fun… You’re not enjoying this?’) until she becomes a quivering orgasmic mess (computer literally having a meltdown) and he’s panicking because he thinks he’s done something wrong (Duckula panicking because he’s in trouble with the army… at his computers expense…). Finally, when all is sorted out and our Count thinks he’s safe, his girlfriend wakes up again and it’s time to start a new game (Duckula’s computer surprising him by rebooting itself and turning on again)! Because remember boys, us girls can keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going…

About Sex, But Not – ‘Big’ (1988)

9 Jan

ON THE SURFACE – Young boy Josh Baskin wishes he were older… And then finds out his wish comes true.

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SCRAPING THE BARREL – Young boy Josh Baskin wishes he were with an older woman… And then finds out his wish comes true. 1988 film Big is about the realities of age gaps in relationships. Don’t get me wrong, age certainly is nothing but a number (in my book anyway) but sometimes it really is, well, your age. Josh (David Moscow and Tom Hanks) wants an older girl and bags one in the form of Susan (Elizabeth Perkins), who doesn’t half act like the cat that got all the cream with her new younger catch. And whilst they clearly do have fun (going dancing, visiting the fair), age related cracks in the relationship start to appear. He is fanatical about toys and loves playing with them; she is a grown up cynic who only see’s their monetary value. She has a double bed; he has bunk beds. He likes Pepsi, trampolines and plastic rings; she prefers champagne, parties and proper gold jewellery. It’s not that they don’t have fun or get along, but it is a bit creepy when you take the virginity of someone who’s a third of your age. Especially when your ex (John Heard with all the bitterness of someone being dumped for a younger, better model of themselves) knows about it. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how good he is, the amount of youthful energy he has, how beautiful he makes you feel or how much he idolises your breasts (especially with the lights on!!), when you’re fucking a minor that still lives at home, sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand and move on… Or drop him home. In your car. Because he’s too young to learn how to drive.

About Sex, But Not – ‘Class Of Nuke Em High’ (1986)

12 Nov

ON THE SURFACE – Warren and Chrissy, two students at Tromaville High School, deal with the side effects of smoking radioactive weed.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – Warren and Chrissy, two students at Tromaville High School, deal with the consequences of having unprotected, first-time sex. There was a reason why the pair were so apprehensive before bonking each other for the first time and the reason was that deep down, they both knew that if they did, something bad would happen… So after having amazing, but unprotected, sex at a party, Chrissy and Warren return home to mixed feelings of jubilation and anxiety. He thinks he’s top guy (watch that penis grow ridiculously huge) and she’s still writhing in orgasmic ecstasy until she starts worrying that she might be pregnant (well, hello there baby bump!) and he starts wondering if his uber-masculine, fun times at College will be cut short due to potential parenting (watch him grow lactating breasts, an emblem of pregnancy). She starts feeling faint and sick (all that radioactive vomiting) and he starts beating up anyone who decides to poke fun at his predicament (his super-strength alley attack on the Cretins). Eventually the issue of the baby becomes far too big for each other them and their relationship to handle (see that mutant baby grow in one big problem) and they wind up getting having the surgical answer, an abortion (death by laser). And so Troma makes a point on reminding us of one fact that people like to bullshit about sometimes… You can get pregnant during your first time.

About Sex, But Not – ‘Splash’ (1984)

2 Oct

ON THE SURFACE – A man finally finds true love with a mermaid.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – A man finally finds true love with a girl who’s into water sports as much as he is. Relationships can be a lot of fun but sometimes require a certain amount of tolerance when it comes to bedroom shenanigans. You might be with someone who’ll indulge in your kinks every now and then but it’s always a bit more fun when you’re both into the same thing. Inhibitions completely lost and all that jazz… Alan (Tom Hanks) has recently broken up with Gloria, and although they ‘had everything’, he never really loved her. No, Gloria could never really accept Alan’s insistence on  sexy water play, an interest he’s had since a significant childhood event (nearly drowning). Enter Madison (Daryl Hannah), a woman full of life and in possession of an open mind, something Gloria never had. For Madison like it all; streaking (all that nudity!), experimenting with gender roles (wearing Alan’s clothes), sound games (trying to keep quiet for a whole sex session) and of course wet room activities (the girls a mermaid!). Like any new relationship it takes a bit of time to adjust to a new person and Alan and Madison are no different. They’re scared of opening up to each other (the bathroom scene where Alan has to break the door down, Madison hiding her secret) and worried about being humiliated (Madison getting sprayed with water in public in front of the press) but at the end of the day neither of them have to worry. In the most fairytale ending kind of way, they’re made for each other (she buys him a fountain! He follows her to mermaid land!). Proof that there’s someone out there in the world for everyone, no matter what their kink.

About Sex, But Not – ‘Revenge Of The Creature’ (1955)

19 Sep

ON THE SURFACE – The Creature from the Black Lagoon learns a hard lesson in humanity when he gets transported to a marine park where biologists can study him for research.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – The Creature from the Black Lagoon learns a hard lesson in falling in love with a girl who’s only interested in bad boys. We’ve all been there, it’s a universal relationship problem. I bet every person who reads this has either been the person that has crushed on the person they shouldn’t have or has crushed on someone who is crushing on the person they shouldn’t be. Human attraction is a strange thing and sometimes it can be a bit cruel. Take poor Creature, having spent years struggling with puberty he now has to face struggling rejection in one of the harshest forms. He could be the perfect man for Helen Dobson, they have the same interests, likes and dislikes but instead she’s only interested in bad boys Clete and Joe who are intent on taming the Creature into a life of captivity. They can see that Gill-Man has the hots for her and are intent to bad mouth him so they can keep her all to themselves (look at the savage way he eats that fish! Look at him trying to attack innocent people!). Deep down, the men can see that the Creature is the best man for Helen too but hope that if they keep taunting him (shocking him with the training prod) he’ll eventually give up and leave them to have their wicked ways with her. And sadly Helen, like most girls in this situation (hey I’ve been there, I know), is also acutely aware that the ugly creepy guy that stares at her all the time and makes her feels strangely wanted and beautiful is really the guy that she should be paying more attention to. How many guys do you know that would steal you from a dance you’re not enjoying and take you to a lake where you know you’ll have more fun? Not many. And that’s the sad lesson that the Gill-Man has to learn. Nice guys always finish last.

About Sex, But Not – ‘Finding Nemo’ (2003)

2 Sep

ON THE SURFACE – A father goes on a mission to find his missing son.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – A father goes on a mission to find the gay son he pushed away. Yep, Disney and Pixar have done it again, producing a film that has a strong underlying sexual storyline. And this time, it’s all about a father who is trying to win back the gay son he ignorantly pushed away. Marlin’s worst fears come true when his son Nemo comes out of the closet (male anxiety of being a lone single father, raising his son with no female parenting partner, and providing only male role models). Marlin is so worked up about it, he won’t even let his son go to school for fear of finding a boyfriend (Nemo’s class is as multi-coloured as the rainbow flag that stands as a symbol for LGBT rights). After arguing with Nemo about it and pleading with him to change his mind (trying to persuade him to not go further than the Reef in which they live), Nemo decides to leave and live his life the way he wants to (swims towards the boat, ‘Look at me, I’m gonna go touch the butt.’). Cue one very regretful father who realises he made a mistake and loves his one and only child no matter what his sexual orientation may be. He regrets his behaviour so much so that he even employs a female friend (Dory) to join him on his journey so that her female intuition can help find Nemo sooner (that misconception that being gay makes you as feminine as a woman…). And Nemo also has lessons to learn, namely that your first boyfriend isn’t always for keeps (his planned escape from his captor, the Dentist P. Sherman, who wants to pimp Nemo out to his niece). It takes one wise fish, Gill, to show Nemo that family really does matter, having been in the same situation himself and with the scars to prove it. And so with Gill’s help, Nemo returns home and reconciles with his father, who even allows him to finally go to school. And presumably get a boyfriend…

About Sex, But Not – ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5: The Dream Child’ (1989)

16 Aug

ON THE SURFACE – Alice Johnson is terrorised again by serial killer Freddy Krueger who also tries to get to her unborn baby.

SCRAPING THE BARREL – Alice Johnson is suffering from a serious case of pregnancy anxiety. It’s rather fitting that as the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise began with Part One exploring female anxieties surrounding losing their virginity, that the films would eventually wind up exploring pregnancy, and the responsibility falls on our virginal heroine Alice from Part Four. A virgin no more, Alice finds herself knocked up by first boyfriend Dan and boy is she struggling to deal with it. Firstly, the girl can’t stop worrying about the delivery. Is is going to hurt (Amanda Krueger in some serious labour pain)? Is it going to be difficult (Freddy being a breech presentation)? Will it be traumatic (Amanda giving birth to a hideous looking creature of a child)? Chances are it’ll be at least one of them, and my bets are placed on it hurting a teeny bit… Secondly, she can’t stop thinking about losing the baby (literally searching for baby Freddy in Church) whether it be to a complication (the ultrasound horror) or to social services (Dan’s parents don’t think she can cope and she lives with her Dad, a former alcoholic). Then, the poor girl has to deal with the worries of being a single parent after Dan dies! And to top it off has two best friends who are not supportive, Yvonne thinking she’s made the wrong decision in keeping the baby (her repeated lack of belief in Alice’s story about Freddy) and Greta who can only think about the amount of food she must be eating and weight she’s gained in pregnancy (Greta bursting with food). Like every other soon-to-be parent, Alice just wants to make sure her baby is healthy and loved. Unlike Amanda Krueger. Who knows how Freddy may have turned out if she just hugged him every now and then…